How to Spot Covert Workplace Abuse and What to Do About It

Workplace abuse isn’t always as obvious as a loud confrontation in the break room or an overly harsh reprimand. In fact, some of the most damaging forms of abuse are subtle and disguised as “help” or “guidance.” This kind of abuse can slowly chip away at someone’s self-esteem, their productivity, and ultimately, their career. The thing is, it’s not always recognized for what it is because it doesn’t follow the typical patterns we associate with toxic workplaces. But the effects are just as real, if not more so.

If you’ve ever felt like you were walking on eggshells at work, or like no matter what you do, it’s never enough, you might have experienced covert workplace abuse. Here are a few ways it shows up, often under the guise of “support” or “leadership,” and how to spot it:

1. The Condescending “Help”

There’s a fine line between offering help and making someone feel like they can’t do their job without constant oversight. When a leader or coworker repeatedly speaks to you in a way that implies you can’t understand basic tasks—whether it’s through patronizing tone or excessively detailed “guidance”—it’s a red flag. These behaviors often leave employees feeling like they’re being treated as inferior or incapable, even when they’ve demonstrated competence.

This type of behavior often comes in the form of phrases like “Do you understand?” or “You should know this by now.” The constant questioning of your abilities not only undermines your confidence, it also isolates you from seeking the help you actually need. You start doubting yourself and feeling like you’re the only one who doesn’t “get it,” even though others around you may be experiencing the same struggles.

2. The “Cute” Nickname or Dismissive Compliment

When a leader or coworker refers to you using terms like “adorable,” it might initially seem innocent or even endearing. But if it happens consistently, especially in professional settings, it can be a subtle form of infantilization. It’s a tactic to make you feel small or less significant in the workplace, and it’s a clear signal of power imbalance. These dismissive compliments can make you feel belittled, and over time, they can erode your sense of professionalism and self-worth.

3. The Lack of Support When You Need It Most

In a healthy work environment, support should be given freely when someone is struggling. However, in cases of covert abuse, when you ask for help, you might be met with indifference or even annoyance. This leaves you feeling like an inconvenience for simply trying to do your job. Instead of receiving constructive guidance, you’re left to flounder, trying to figure things out on your own while your work performance suffers.

At the same time, you may start noticing that others in similar roles are receiving the support they need, which only deepens your sense of isolation and frustration. This subtle undermining of your ability to perform your job isn’t about your competence—it’s about creating a narrative that you’re incapable, which makes it easier for others to question your value.

4. The Blame Game

Have you ever been told that your actions are impacting the team, even when your actions are based on what you’ve been told to do? Sometimes, your work is blamed for team problems without taking into account external factors like system inefficiencies, staffing issues, or unclear expectations. This is a covert way of making you feel responsible for issues that aren’t entirely your fault. It’s gaslighting—making you doubt your perspective and your reality—and it’s a form of emotional manipulation.

The longer this type of behavior goes unchallenged, the more it can affect your mental health and job performance. You may start to believe that you’re the cause of every problem, even when it’s out of your control. This type of constant pressure to perform without room for error leads to burnout and anxiety.

5. The Performance Review That Doesn’t Add Up

A performance review should be an opportunity for growth, not a tool to reinforce a narrative that you’re underperforming. If your reviews suddenly seem inconsistent with what you’ve been told about your work, or they reference behaviors like “work avoidance” that don’t match your actual experience, it’s a sign that there’s a bigger issue at play. These reviews may be written in a way that highlights small mistakes as evidence of poor performance, rather than giving credit for the improvements you’ve made.

The truth is, performance reviews like these are often used as a mechanism to push employees out or make them feel like they don’t belong. Instead of focusing on constructive feedback, they focus on your perceived weaknesses, which creates an environment where success feels impossible.

What Can You Do About It?

Covert workplace abuse is not just about what’s being said or done—it’s about what’s left unspoken and how it affects you. It’s the quiet erosion of your confidence, your morale, and your passion for your work. But it’s also something you can fight back against.

1. Recognize it for what it is: Understanding that this is abuse is the first step in reclaiming your power. Covert abuse is manipulative, and once you identify it, you can protect yourself from its effects.

2. Set boundaries: You don’t have to tolerate condescending tones or unfair blame. Start asserting your needs—whether that’s asking for clearer feedback or advocating for more support when you need it.

3. Find allies: You’re not alone in experiencing this. Seek out others who can relate and support each other in standing up against this behavior. It’s easier to advocate for change when you’re not doing it alone.

4. Document everything: Keep a record of the incidents that you feel cross the line. Having a detailed log can be invaluable if you ever need to escalate the issue.

Workplace abuse—whether covert or overt—should never be normalized. By recognizing these signs and taking action, you can protect yourself and build the resilience you need to thrive, even in the face of adversity.

In this post, I’ve shared examples of covert workplace abuse that many people experience but don’t always recognize right away. It’s important to understand that these behaviors are not isolated incidents—they’re part of a larger pattern that affects not just individuals but the entire work culture. By raising awareness and having conversations about these behaviors, we can start to shift the dynamic and build healthier work environments for everyone.